This was a very beautiful piece. I'm so sorry about your suffering and what you've had to go through. I love this line: "I am mostly beyond the point of asking ‘why do I suffer?’ Sort of." So, true. I think we can see the growth that suffering can initiate in our lives, but still is it o.k. just to be exhausted? I tend to philosophize my own pain or try to grasp the meaning out of it, but perhaps there's something to just walking through each day-- surviving--. -I think knowledge and understanding are deeply connected to pain and suffering and empathy. Caring for others is undervalued and also largely missing from our world, even in Christian circles. So many people feel deeply alone. Your writing and experience, I know are a salve to many people. Keep doing it.
Thank you, Debby. I always fear people won’t ‘get’ my writing. Some suffering goes a little deeper. And sadly, Christians are trained poorly on how to respond to such suffering (for themselves, or in repsonse to others). There have been people who were quite dismayed by my expressions of grief…..even though my grief was warranted by a terrible tragedy. They expected me to rejoice in all things. Right away. They couldn’t understand that joy and grief, despair and faith, could exist together. They couldn’t understand the journey some of us must travel through. I asked people to read the book of Job, and they would refuse. So confusing! It’s like they wanted to remove it from the Bible (except for the couple of verses they liked).
The year my friend was murdered, a friend of ours was diagnosed with cancer. A brain tumour. A death sentence. And he was rejoicing every day. I was blessed by him…but I was not blessed by those who judged me for not being able to be buoyant in joy like he was. I talked to his wife, and she confided she also was not as buoyant…she was grieving, afraid, and deeply burdened at the thought of raising her kids alone. But all eyes were on his response, and the expectation was that all other sufferers should imitate his response. We’re not all built the same, and we all process different. Plus, with a brain tumour…it’s quite possible the tumour was pressing on some areas of the brain that helped him to respond with happiness (whereas I know others who had tumours that were pressing on areas that increased depression).
I'll pray that you stop trying to carry this alone
I'll pray that you find some quiet undisturbed time to sit with Him. That you pour out all your unmitigated anger, grief, exhaustion, and injustice to Him.
I'll pray that you show Him everything in it's rawness, show up messy and say, "this is me".
I'll pray that He releases you from all the burdons you were never meant to carry.
This was a very beautiful piece. I'm so sorry about your suffering and what you've had to go through. I love this line: "I am mostly beyond the point of asking ‘why do I suffer?’ Sort of." So, true. I think we can see the growth that suffering can initiate in our lives, but still is it o.k. just to be exhausted? I tend to philosophize my own pain or try to grasp the meaning out of it, but perhaps there's something to just walking through each day-- surviving--. -I think knowledge and understanding are deeply connected to pain and suffering and empathy. Caring for others is undervalued and also largely missing from our world, even in Christian circles. So many people feel deeply alone. Your writing and experience, I know are a salve to many people. Keep doing it.
Thank you, Debby. I always fear people won’t ‘get’ my writing. Some suffering goes a little deeper. And sadly, Christians are trained poorly on how to respond to such suffering (for themselves, or in repsonse to others). There have been people who were quite dismayed by my expressions of grief…..even though my grief was warranted by a terrible tragedy. They expected me to rejoice in all things. Right away. They couldn’t understand that joy and grief, despair and faith, could exist together. They couldn’t understand the journey some of us must travel through. I asked people to read the book of Job, and they would refuse. So confusing! It’s like they wanted to remove it from the Bible (except for the couple of verses they liked).
The year my friend was murdered, a friend of ours was diagnosed with cancer. A brain tumour. A death sentence. And he was rejoicing every day. I was blessed by him…but I was not blessed by those who judged me for not being able to be buoyant in joy like he was. I talked to his wife, and she confided she also was not as buoyant…she was grieving, afraid, and deeply burdened at the thought of raising her kids alone. But all eyes were on his response, and the expectation was that all other sufferers should imitate his response. We’re not all built the same, and we all process different. Plus, with a brain tumour…it’s quite possible the tumour was pressing on some areas of the brain that helped him to respond with happiness (whereas I know others who had tumours that were pressing on areas that increased depression).
Anyway, thank you for your comment.
A beautifully vulnerable piece. Thank you.
I will pray for you tonight.
I'll pray that you stop apologizing
I'll pray that you stop trying to carry this alone
I'll pray that you find some quiet undisturbed time to sit with Him. That you pour out all your unmitigated anger, grief, exhaustion, and injustice to Him.
I'll pray that you show Him everything in it's rawness, show up messy and say, "this is me".
I'll pray that He releases you from all the burdons you were never meant to carry.