My Why...
Why Does God Allow Me to Suffer Much...and Not Others? But not quite that simple...
A note: I am working through a series on Job. Instead of writing my next post, I thought it might be best if I start by asking myself what kinds of thoughts and questions I’m wrestling with right now. I have experienced comprehensive suffering, Comprehensive suffering is suffering that touches many facets of life, and doesn’t last for just a season. For me, the ‘why’ questions never fully go away.
I’m not trying to offend anyone…I’m just trying to process my own experience, so that I can better consider how we can love and help sufferers. Suffering disorients, and sometimes, in that fog, we don’t even know what we’re thinking. I’m experiencing that right now. In order to re-orient to God I need to figure out what questions currently weigh me down. I hope that in sharing my own questions, this will be a benefit to those seeking to care for those living through comprehensive suffering. The raw questions and longings are normal in suffering: they are complex, and it can take a long time to articulate exactly what we are struggling with.
I’ve been through a lot.
Not as much as others.
But a lot…
I am mostly beyond the point of asking ‘why do I suffer?’ Sort of. At the end of the day, I have wrestled with God, and I can see that what others meant for harm, God meant for good.
My ‘whys’ are a bit more complex now. I’m not sure I can put them into words. Nonetheless, I will try.
Conflict Confuses Me, and Raises New Why Questions as I Wrestle with My Sufferings:
There have been a few conflicts in my life over the last several years. I hate conflict. Conflict takes me right back to my childhood, shuddering in a corner, hoping I won’t be seen. I have tried to quiet this response….but it seems to want to remain. Childhood abuse can have permanent consequences.
For me, conflict triggers tough questions.
As I go through conflict, I’m plagued by these questions:
Why did that person crumble over something fairly small?
Why must I endure accusations of not acting in good faith?
Why has God required me to endure sexual abuse as a toddler, abuse throughout my childhood, complex health issues, the loss of most of my dreams, a multitude of church hurt, and much more? While they have not endured these things, and they are meant to teach me?
Why do they crumble, and turn to inordinate anger in their adulthood, when God required me to learn to love those who hurt me most when I was only 11?
Why am I being told that I’m wrong for asking questions, wrong for seeking accountability and truth?
Why are they impatient with me, and my questions, when I have had to endure much worse than mere questions? I have had to endure physical harm.
Obviously, these questions are particular to certain kinds of conflicts I’ve experienced. However, even as I write these questions out, I don’t think I’m clearly articulating the heart of my pain. I’m trying, but I don’t know exactly what it is that unsettles me.
Do I Wish They Had Suffered More?
I keep wrestling with this: do I wish they had suffered more? I don’t want anyone to suffer more. I hate suffering and I hate when others suffer. But I have suffered, and learned those vital lessons due to that suffering.
So, it’s not that I want them to have suffered more. I suppose, I wish I had suffered at least a little less…though I am mostly at peace with that suffering.
Maybe it’s this:
Why do we need the suffering to sanctify us?
And if we do, why didn’t God sanctify them more….allowing them to suffer more, if that was the requirement?
Is suffering necessary for godly character? It shouldn’t be…
Why did I have to learn certain things in my vulnerable childhood, and they didn’t?
Why is it so hard for them to learn these things as adults? It should be easier…
Why was it necessary for me to experience sexual abuse as a young child, and through that learn to forgive?
Why do adults refuse to forgive sins far less grave than childhood sexual abuse?
Longing For My Suffering to Be Seen
These questions do overflow during conflict.
In my agony, as people engage me, I long for:
a little understanding
a little humility when engaging conflict with me
a little patience for how long it takes me to articulate my concerns
a little extra grace in light of the extreme self-control I must put on every day I am on this earth
As I process all these emotions and questions, I realise:
I long for them to be as self-controlled as I have had to be as I seek to not become the thing I most feared in my childhood.
I long for kindness, not dismay and judgment, if tears or agony flow.
I long for agony to not be misinterpreted as anger.
I long for genuine listening, and slowness to offense.
And I long for some semblance of endurance through their own suffering, to encourage me to keep enduring when my own suffering plagues me with nightmares and OCD.
I do see when people are trying. I sincerely have good will for all. I just wish it wasn’t so hard for them to try to care well. It doesn’t seem fair….my life is unbelievably hard to live. Wouldn’t it be lovely, if people in my life could ease some of that burden?
People not familiar with my story might think I’m just being a victim. But once I start sharing what I’ve been through…people tend to get very uncomfortable. They suffer, just listening to my suffering. They wish they could unhear what I have said. I can’t win.
And honestly, I do seek to dwell on things other than my suffering! I seek to cultivate joy, worship and thanksgiving in my heart. I don’t want to be finding my identity in what I have suffered. But in order to care well for sufferers, we need to learn to sit well with their questions, allowing the lament, as God allowed Job’s lament.
The Response to My Whys:
I have tried to ask these questions and articulate my whys to some people. The response is often that I need to: humble myself.
I’m happy to keep humbling myself! I yearn to humble myself in the sight of the Lord.
But these questions spill out of a chasm of agony in my soul. When I ask these questions, I am not trying to be judgmental or proud….I’m trying to express the anguish I cannot name.
And as soon as someone requires me to humble myself, my soul cries out…why am I being asked to humble myself again, and no one seems to require humility of these ones who were in authority? The hypocrisy stings and confuses.
Why is it pride for me to need them to live out humility to me, in order to help me continue choosing humility in my own life? I long for them to exemplify humility…I’m starting to lose sight of what that looks like! After all, I come from a childhood of abuse, where humility was rare. I need help.
My life has been hard. I need hope. Godly character gives me hope. Why is it so hard for godly character to develop in comfortable circumstances? I don’t want people to have to endure torment in order to be godly!
I don’t know what the response should be to my questions. I do wish people could hear the agony more than the pride. I do wish they heard my confusion, and could help me untangle it. I truly don’t understand the answers to these questions…but my life forces these questions upon my soul.
Where I Tend to Land With My Questions and Laments:
Like Job, I don’t have answers. Not completely.
However, what I have learned, over and over, is that people fail and fall short.
They fail to be gentle with the broken, or kind to the overlooked, or patient with the harrassed. As we see in the book of Job.
I have learned to trust people less and less. Much like Job. I seek to be content with this reality. I make peace with this.
I have sought to to hope all things, but with a great deal of caution. I know depravity lies within each of our hearts.
However, here is my hope: God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. (1 Jn. 1:5)
I let those words roll over me. I let them wash clean all the darkness in me. I try to live in community, to be faithful, to love and not hate. I am far from perfect.
However, I have learned that sometimes, we cannot put our hope in people.
They do fail.
They do harm.
They perpetuate the harms that were done long ago.
They don’t choose healing words or the grace of forgiveness.
Sometimes, they fail. Many times, they fail.
But God never fails. He is for me and not against me. He lives.
The reality for some of us is that we will be hit with hurt after hurt after hurt. The wounds don’t stop this side of the sun. I hope they will, but I brace for the possibility they won’t.
However, God hates these harms, and does not break a bruised reed. He is the lifter of heads. He redeems. He loves. He protects.
As Job says: For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. (Job 19:25)
I hope in God alone.
This was a very beautiful piece. I'm so sorry about your suffering and what you've had to go through. I love this line: "I am mostly beyond the point of asking ‘why do I suffer?’ Sort of." So, true. I think we can see the growth that suffering can initiate in our lives, but still is it o.k. just to be exhausted? I tend to philosophize my own pain or try to grasp the meaning out of it, but perhaps there's something to just walking through each day-- surviving--. -I think knowledge and understanding are deeply connected to pain and suffering and empathy. Caring for others is undervalued and also largely missing from our world, even in Christian circles. So many people feel deeply alone. Your writing and experience, I know are a salve to many people. Keep doing it.
A beautifully vulnerable piece. Thank you.